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martes, 21 de julio de 2009

Crónicas de un cerebro enfermo XII.

8 de octubre de 2008
Yesterday, I had the last chemotherapy of this month. Since I have refused to read anything about the side effects of those pills in order to avoid having symptoms as a result of my all powerful hypochondria, I have been enjoying this month’s surprise. It was not very pleasant to take pills to stop nausea, having nausea anyway, and then spend all day long trying to avoid flushing the $7,000 chemotherapeutic pills down the drain. I am glad to tell you that my efforts were a success, thanks to limiting my daily intake to my kindergarten favorite food: hot corn meal and mash potatoes. I love those stuffs! Besides, I couldn’t stand the smell of Spanish paella, Italian pasta, German steak tartar, Arabic rice, grape leafs or hummus. Carla, Jaime, and Danilo had to eat all those disgusting things very fast so that I could keep my delightful and healthy pills in the stomach. This family suffered a lot this week! Even the cat had an extra amount of tuna!

Well, I am exaggerating, as usual. I did other things as well. I gave an exam to my suffering students and called the managers of MD Anderson (where I had the surgery) and Centro Médico (where I had the chirurgical-biopsy). They were all victims of my stomach temper this week. Centro Médico is charging me an incredible amount of dollars for two implants; that’s right: two implants. Those who know me well can testify that I will be glad to donate my natural ones to whoever is willing to accept them. Needless to say that a biopsy of a brain tumor doesn’t require two implants of any source. The manager tried to charge for the two implants anyway arguing that the nurses probably used the wrong word and were referring to two screws instead. I contained myself; I didn’t say “screw you,” I swear. Instead, I said in my most polite tone: if that were the case, my brain would have exploded during the first MRI taken one month after the biopsy and I am just a ghost who is going to suit you for screwing my brain to death! The problem was solved, or so they said.

My call to MD Anderson was even scarier. I started explaining the manager that I have received a letter which is probably a prank. An idiot is asking me to provide him my social security number so that he can defend me from a thief who has stolen the identities of MD Anderson cancer patients through the hospital’s computer. Hello, I told the manager, first, I have not provided my social security number to the hospital but my health plan group number. Second, how can an intruder obtain it from your computer and a lawyer needs to ask me for it? The manager informed me that, unfortunately, the letter was badly written but was not a prank. Someone, indeed, stole our personal data from MD Anderson’s computers. That’s why they hired this smart lawyer to defend us from identity theft. I told the manager that even though I have checked my credit report and found nothing strange in it, they shall provide me another lawyer who could think more logically than a cancer patient with a hole were her brain tumor used to be! I am supposed to be receiving a call from a new lawyer very soon. I hope they contact me while I am not in chemotherapy.

All kinds of crooks are flourishing during these days of economical turmoil. The easiest targets are, of curse, brain cancer patients that are supposed to be severely disabled, too sick to complain. I might get tired fighting, but I have to do it anyway. There are no regulations to control cybernetic thefts, health care fraud, and the regular crooks of Wallstreet, the Capitol, and the global mess we are living in. God bless the free and deregulated market, I love these stomach pains!

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